Better Living . . . Through Science! (or How to Save the Earth Without Solving the Problem)

Scientists around the world, some begrungingly, recognize the problem of global warming. Granted, "intelligent design" scientists (1, 2) affiliated with Republicons and the Bush administration are still trying to prove that the Earth is just 6,000 years old. The vast majority of the scientific community, however, has moved from trying to convince the Palinites (aka, idiots or blockheads) to working on what to do.

Now, some might think that if you have a problem like, say, smoking that has bad consequences, one obvious course is to stop doing the thing that causes trouble . . . stop smoking. In the case of the global environment, stop pumping millions of tons of carbon into the atmosphere.

But this is the age of The Modern Human or, as discussed some time ago, Homo funestus — Dead Man or Fatal Human. Why solve a problem when you can balance it out with a new problem?

Thus many scientists are now knocking heads to come up with geo-engineering schemes that might reduce the impact of global warming. Here are some of the brilliant ideas:

• Mirrors in space, to deflect sunlight away from the earth, previously tried in The Simpsons. Whether Fox or Matt Groening will seek patent protection remains to be seen.
• More pollution or global sunblock. Seed the atmosphere with still more particles to block light from reaching the Earth's surface. Previously tried in Jimmy Neutron, a 3D animation show for kids.
• Iron the ocean. Salt the ocean with iron filings to promote growth of plankton that absorb CO2. How this works I have no idea.

Once upon a time, science took great ideas from great science fiction, as in geosynchronous satellites from Arthur C. Clarke. Times have changed.

Nevertheless, scientists are brimming with novel novelties. Still, missing from this impressive list is a brilliant idea recently proposed by yours truly — Earth 2. This is far and away the the most absurd, most implausible and, most importantly, most expensive and therefore most best idea for Saving the Earth Without Actually Solving the Problem. I urge all to contact Congress, especially our most right-wing and dimmest Senators and Representatives, to promote this option.

---

NOTES
1. Behe, Michael. 'Professor' of Biochemistry at Lehigh 'University' and Senior CSC Fellow at the 'Discovery' 'Institute'.
2. Discovery Institute.
3. Center for Science and Culture.
4. "Climate damage science studied" in The Guardian, Thursday, 30 October 2008.

In Case You Forgot, the Environment is a Disaster

The World Wildlife Fund has released its Living Planet Report. There's some good news and there's some bad news.

The good news is: We ain't dead yet. The bad news is: We will be, we will be.

The report concludes that "Humanity's demands exceed our planet's capacity to sustain us" (as if that was news). Britain's Guardian newspaper has a nice summation of the reports findings, which can be boiled down to

"[H]umans are using 30% more resources than the Earth can replenish each year, which is leading to deforestation, degraded soils, polluted air and water, and dramatic declines in numbers of fish and other species."

That's the average for the world as a whole. Humans in civilized countries like the United States are only using maybe 900% more resources than the Earth can replenish.

People like Michael Bloomberg or Stephen Schwarzman (the Blackstone chief who threw himself a multi-million dollar birthday party) use 100,000% more than the Earth can replenish. BUT THAT IS THEIR GOD-GIVEN RIGHT, by God! And if you suggest otherwise, you're an America-hating, Palin-bashing, anti-American Commie Pinko Socialist Marxist Anarcho-syndicalist BASTURD!

BUT there is a silver lining:

IF, by the 2030s (a big twenty years away), we can find A SECOND EARTH, we can all keep living just the way we are now.

So, Solution 1: The Earth 2 Buyout Fund. Congress must allocate $750 TRILLION to find and acquire Earth 2. Alternatively, we can use Earth 1 to build Earth 2. . . . No, no, that's not it. We can clone Earth 1. Or maybe we can do that thing like in Arthur C. Clarke's 2010, only use Jupiter to manufacture Earth 2. That would create jobs. (I am announcing my candidacy for President of the United Nations based on a platform of job creation through Jupiter reconstruction for Earth 2.)

Solution 2, favored by Republicons, Bloombergs and other fascists: Find a way for 99.99% of the world's population to live on 10% of the absolute minimum needed for basic human survival so that Wall Street, innately superior Corporate Executives, and members of Congress can live on the remaining 100,000%. Advantage: This is the solution already being worked on by Michael Bloomberg, Bush, McCon, Palin, and company.

Do I sound a little sarcastic? Pessimistic? Cynical? I apologize. Something about chronically suicidal, species-wide self-annihilation, endorsed by the enlightened 'experts' and 'leaders', just gets me a little down. That's all.

Plus. . . . I have a friggin' cold.

In the future, I will do my best to be more optimistic about the tiny tiny minority of self-appointed über-supremicists destroying the lives of the rest of us.